Wednesday, November 12, 2014

A Bad Friend

I have been thinking of making this post for awhile, and I just figured I should do it, since I had been thinking about it for months.

I am sitting here in my living room in my very first apartment that I am in by myself, and at times I get lonely.  Now I will not make this post too negative, but I need to clear the air a bit, and I need to apologize. Being lonely is really my own fault... because

 I am a bad friend.

I am horrible at keeping in contact with even my family, and it is worse with my friends.  If you don't live within 10 miles of me, I probably will be rubbish at keeping in contact.  I am bad with the phone, I don't like calling and talking on the phone, I get restless and feel the need to do something, so most of the time I am playing sudoku or playing around on the internet while I am trying to talk to you.  I am sorry.  I am horrible on the phone.  (Although I have recently tried walking while calling people on the phone, but it has only been tested with my Mom so far.)

I TRULY have been so very blessed to live in many different places, and come to love and cherish so many people.  My biggest wish is that I was better at keeping in contact with those I love, or that we could all live in the same town and adventure all the time.  But I know that is not realistic.

I just wanted to let you all know that I do love you, and I do cherish getting to call you a friend.  I am sorry that I don't keep in touch as closely as I want to.  But rest assured I do facebook (or other media outlet) stalk you, and I love when you post pictures of your family's or your vacations, or whatever you are doing.  I love you all, and I count myself blessed that I have been able to learn from you, grow with you, cry with you, and most often laugh with you.  I want to be someone who can be relied on, who can be called in emergencies, or call when they are needed and wanted.  (And yet I hate phones) I want to be someone who has lifelong friends, who is an Aunt to all my friends kids, and who does the holiday cards.  I want to be lifelong friends who vacation together, who get to be old and sassy and still laughing together.

Since moving into my own place I have been facing my single person fear... if something were to happen to me... how long would it be for someone to notice my absence? Since I am so bad at communication, would anyone wonder if that hadn't heard from me for days?

So you see, my need to be a good friend is very selfish.  I want to be loved, and I want to love.  I am sorry I have been so selfish, and I promise to try and improve.  I am grateful for your love and patience.  Thank you for being so wonderful!  Thank you for being my friend.  I can only hope that in the present and future I will be a better friend to you!

3 comments:

Mackenzie said...

Oh how I know the feeling. I finally just came to terms with myself and realized that I'm just not the type of person to call, so I've been trying harder to go and visit friends or to get together when we are both in town.

Also, I'm really worried about choking to death on my food when I'm alone, or locking myself out of the apartment without my phone.

Becky said...

I love you girl, and you are never forgotten. You are a wonderful friend, and a very fun and good person to be around. I miss you like crazy!

Liz said...

I once had a similar conversation with an old friend that I hadn't seen for several years about this idea. I told him that I'm terrible at talking on the phone and my social life is dictated by my circumstances...if I don't work with you, I'm not likely to make plans with you. But he said something very wise, that I really liked. He said that meaningful friendships don't diminish just because you're not spending as much time with that person as you used to. The people in your life come and go, but the fact that they go doesn't mean you love them any less. You can value your friendships for exactly what they are...you don't have to feel guilty about not keeping in contact with everyone you have ever loved. (Especially in this day and age, with Facebook and everything.)