A Bad Friend

I have been thinking of making this post for awhile, and I just figured I should do it, since I had been thinking about it for months.

I am sitting here in my living room in my very first apartment that I am in by myself, and at times I get lonely.  Now I will not make this post too negative, but I need to clear the air a bit, and I need to apologize. Being lonely is really my own fault... because

 I am a bad friend.

I am horrible at keeping in contact with even my family, and it is worse with my friends.  If you don't live within 10 miles of me, I probably will be rubbish at keeping in contact.  I am bad with the phone, I don't like calling and talking on the phone, I get restless and feel the need to do something, so most of the time I am playing sudoku or playing around on the internet while I am trying to talk to you.  I am sorry.  I am horrible on the phone.  (Although I have recently tried walking while calling people on the phone, but it has only been tested with my Mom so far.)

I TRULY have been so very blessed to live in many different places, and come to love and cherish so many people.  My biggest wish is that I was better at keeping in contact with those I love, or that we could all live in the same town and adventure all the time.  But I know that is not realistic.

I just wanted to let you all know that I do love you, and I do cherish getting to call you a friend.  I am sorry that I don't keep in touch as closely as I want to.  But rest assured I do facebook (or other media outlet) stalk you, and I love when you post pictures of your family's or your vacations, or whatever you are doing.  I love you all, and I count myself blessed that I have been able to learn from you, grow with you, cry with you, and most often laugh with you.  I want to be someone who can be relied on, who can be called in emergencies, or call when they are needed and wanted.  (And yet I hate phones) I want to be someone who has lifelong friends, who is an Aunt to all my friends kids, and who does the holiday cards.  I want to be lifelong friends who vacation together, who get to be old and sassy and still laughing together.

Since moving into my own place I have been facing my single person fear... if something were to happen to me... how long would it be for someone to notice my absence? Since I am so bad at communication, would anyone wonder if that hadn't heard from me for days?

So you see, my need to be a good friend is very selfish.  I want to be loved, and I want to love.  I am sorry I have been so selfish, and I promise to try and improve.  I am grateful for your love and patience.  Thank you for being so wonderful!  Thank you for being my friend.  I can only hope that in the present and future I will be a better friend to you!